i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
