I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
