don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
