My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
