He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
