broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
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