I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
