I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
