I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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