batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
