So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
The Olympian is in my bed
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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