There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
