I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
