i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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