Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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