i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
it was like eating out sand paper
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
