I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
