I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
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