When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
