Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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