I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
