I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
