Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
