it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
