Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Pants are for mortals
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
