just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Randomize
