please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
