I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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