Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
