Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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