I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
