that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
