my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
