Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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