are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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