Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
