I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
