So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
