I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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