I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
