I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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