you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
