I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
