I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Randomize
