I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
