I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
did i just pee glitter
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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