I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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