we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
