Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
NoShamevember. You game?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
