I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
That accounts for only three of the penises
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
