They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
